Lynne Curtin (one of the ‘stars’ of the ubiquitous Real Housewives of Orange County) and her husband were served with a 72-Hour eviction notice from the landlord of their laguna beach home. Wait… hold on… they’re renters???? Buwahahaha! As usual, nothing is what it seems behind the Orange curtain. I suppose it’s going to be hard to play a housewife on TV when you don’t actually have a house. Apparently, they never paid the property owner his $10,000.00 security deposit and several other various and sundry fees. Basically if they haven’t coughed up over 12-large by close of business today, the ‘real’ couple will be out of their asses. I don’t wish anyone to be homeless but come on. Don’t move to Laguna Beach if you can’t afford it dumb dumbs.

I’m sure, we’ll see all this go down on the next season of The Real Housewives of Orange County because, of course, Bravo’s cameras were rolling. Buuuuuurn! Yesterday I stated our county needed it’s own publicist just to counteract all this foolishness and it seems I was right. Given the circumstances surrounding our constant portrayal in reality as television as vapid douchey-McDouchingtons, I ‘d say that publicist will have their work cut our for them.

More proof of the pervasiveness of the stereotype put forth in a previous post about OC being one of the douchiest places in the nation. If the looks (and actions) of Big Brother 11’s latest castoff is any indication we are really circling the cultural drain down here in Orange County. The fellow in question is Jessie Godderz, a 23 year old bodybuilder from Huntington Beach who sports many of the offending characteristics listed by Jay Louis in his interview. There’s that trademarked db-pout that still manages to irritate no matter how many times I see it.

[Image via ARTUJI]

Maybe we need to hire a publicist to improve our collective image as a county. Just sayin’….

Jay Louis, the ubiquitous creator of Is She Really Going Out With Him on MTV, gave an itty-bitty interview and cited Orange County as one of the douchiest places in America. We were called out along with Scottsdale, Las Vegas, Miami Beach and The 909. What an honor [smirk].

Apparently we are littered with men who have the following qualities: “way too spiky gelled hair, over-tanning, extensive body sculpting, complex facial hair, and they spend hours in the bathroom getting ready”. Ha! A trip to Huntington Beach on a hot day does seem to confirm the title he has bestowed on us as a douche-ridden cesspool of humanity. If you’ve never seen his web site, aptly titled Hot Chicks With Douchebags, you should check it out – it’s juvenile but hypnotic. Here’s an excellent example of the cultural apocalypse he’s referring to:

[Image via Hot Chicks With Douchebags]

Good God. The shirt. The tan. The dog tags. The hair. The pout. The end of times.

Like death and taxes, waiting line at Disneyland is inevitable. Fortunately for us, the venerable theme park has turned the mathematical inevitably of waiting in line into an art form. It’s because of this thoughtful design that some queues rival the main attraction in areas such as story, interactivity and atmosphere. Let’s take a few moments and bask in the glory of Disney Imagineering as we look at the Best Place to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Number 1: Indiana Jones Adventure

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpDenNlG39g[/youtube]

Here you can step back in time to the year 1935 and experience an exotic tourist destination in remote India, called The Temple of the Forbidden Eye. A world of riches can be yours but you must not look into the eyes of the Idol Mara. Once you hop in the specially equipped Jeep, it isn’t long before your doomed expedition is sent on a fright filled journey inside the temple with famed archeologist Indiana Jones. Hey, if you see a giant bolder coming at you while you’re in there, be sure to duck!

Why It’s Number One: Let’s face it, anyone who’s been to Disneyland knew this had to be the choice for Number One. This is the line to beat and the Imagineers really set the bar high. Even the outdoor overflow queue is awesome. It’s mostly shaded, heavily decorated, immersively themed and in general it makes you feel like you are wandering through a serpentine in the lost jungle. Once you get up the front steps to the temple you can expect to encounter sacrificial rooms, extinct lava flows, booby traps, hidden sub-chambers and more. Best of all the whole thing is interactive and huge! If a sign advises you not to pull or touch or push or lean – that’s your cue to do just the opposite! Be sure and watch the old news reels playing inside to see what may become of you on your voyage. There’s also a secret hidden code throughout the queue; written on the walls in a long-forgotten language. I can’t tell you what it says but I can say it may or may not be an advertisement for AT&T. If you make it through the line unscathed then be prepared for a ride like no other! Oh and remember… real rewards await those who choose wisely.

Room For Improvement: While this may be the best place in Disneyland the entire world to wait in line, there is still room for improvement. First of all, it’s time to just remove the Fastpass altogether. The current setup yields it almost useless and completely unnecessary. Second, those Imagineers need to come up with some cleverly located real estate for stroller parking and waiting family members. The entrance to this ride often looks like a refugee camp. Finally, as with all the attractions in Adventureland, you almost can’t even find the entrance to this attraction – this may be on purpose but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Many guests have a devilish time simply finding the damned standby entrance, let alone finding their own asses with two hands and a map.

Don’t forget to check out our Number 2 pick for the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Like death and taxes, waiting line at Disneyland is inevitable. Fortunately for us, the venerable theme park has turned the mathematical inevitably of waiting in line into an art form. It’s because of this thoughtful design that some queues rival the main attraction in areas such as story, interactivity and atmosphere. Let’s take a few moments and bask in the glory of Disney Imagineering as we explore the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Number 3: Star Tours

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxqqOyj0Psw[/youtube]

Here you will blast off on a Star Tours express shuttle to the forrest moon of Endor. It should be a leisurely trip an out of this world intergalactic adventure that “turns into a heart-pounding warp-speed odyssey from the brilliant minds of George Lucas and the Disney Imagineers”. Yeah. That about covers it.

Why It’s In the Top Five: It’s a spaceport! From the moment you walk through the entrance to Star Tours (and even before that) you are completely immersed in a Star-Warsian spaceport, complete with departing flights all over the galaxy. Keep your eyes peeled for advertisements for transit to other exotic destinations on the huge video display as you enter. Never before seen and classic beloved robot characters make audio-animatronic appearances along the way, not to mention the full-scale replicas of the Star Speeder you will soon be boarding. The liberal use of these animatronics are what really brings the Star Tours spaceport to life. The pre-boarding safety video is both amusing and appropriate to the theme – let’s face it, it’s worth the price of admission just to see that lady’s awesome teapot hair. Even the overflow queue is (mostly) indoors, air conditioned and features animatronics as well. Lots of famous robots, total immersion and intergalactic hijinks, securely dock this queue at Number 3.

Why It’s Not Number One: There are a three reasons. 1) That aforementioned overflow queue? It’s still a massive and unruly serpentine that even high pressure chillers and hydraulic animatronic space aliens can’t save. After five minutes in here you’ll be longing for the wide open spaces. 2) The exit queue is an unmitigated disaster – both boring and significantly unappealing due to an unmistakeable K-Mart atmosphere. 3) While it is an astounding place to wait in line, there are still greener pastures to graze in.

Trivia: Are you ready for Star Tours 2.0? The new upgraded Star Tours may premiere as soon as 2011!

Don’t Forget to check out our Number 4 pick for the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Like death and taxes, waiting line at Disneyland is inevitable. Fortunately for us, the venerable theme park has turned the mathematical inevitably of waiting in line into an art form. It’s because of this thoughtful design that some queues rival the main attraction in areas such as story, interactivity and atmosphere. Let’s take a few moments and bask in the glory of Disney Imagineering as we explore the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Number 4: Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsNrdWiqa5A[/youtube]

Here you can jump behind the wheel of Benny the run-away cab, as he spins through the real animated world of Roger Rabbit. It’s the Mad Tea Party on steroids, because you control the spinning steering wheel as you whirl through this highly themed (in 365 degrees no less) attraction. What’s fun, depending on how you feel about spinning in circles while moving backward and forward, is that no two trips through the attraction are exactly the same. Watch out for Judge Doom and keep your eyes peeled for the super sultry Jessica Rabbit (she’s not bad, she’s just drawn that way).

Why It’s In the Top Five: Roger Rabbit is arguably one of the most underrated and wholly overlooked great attractions inside Disneyland. Unique to the California park and quietly tucked away inside of Mickey’s Toon Town, it’s the ride many people forget is even there. It’s a shame really, because once inside those cartoony front doors, riders are treated to a unique walking tour of Toon Town. This isn’t your Mother’s Oldsmobile though, it’s dark, seedy and crime-ridden. Speakeasies, criminals and back alleys are the main focus – not to mention a vile and mysterious boiler room bubbling over with “dip”. Your journey’s just getting started by the time you hop into that crazy cab and head off spinning toward adventure. Lots of tightly packed twists and turns mixed with a full sensory overload of sights and sounds bring this queue in at Number 4.

Why It’s Not Number One: Roger Rabbit should be higher on the list – thematically it rivals our number one pick. It also has the distinction of having a line that is almost better than the ride itself. However, the attraction’s (and the queue’s) biggest flaw is, once the line hits daylight, tragedy strikes. Having to wait in a boring, shadeless, loud, stroller-laden, child-infested, hotter-than-the-gates-of-hell overflow queue exacerbated by the unnecessary use of Fastpass will pretty much ruin your weekend. Rule of thumb, if the line is out the front door, that’s your cue to avoid the queue.

Trivia: Is there a Roger Rabbit Sequel in the works? Also, did you ever wonder why this ride wasn’t cloned to other Disney parks around the world? This may have something to do with it.

Don’t Forget to check out our Number 5 pick for the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Like death and taxes, waiting line at Disneyland is inevitable. Fortunately for us, the venerable theme park has turned the mathematical inevitably of waiting in line into an art form. Oh they have laid some math on us to be sure, as Fastpass comes to mind. Let’s ignore Fastpass for a few moments and bask in the glory of Disney Imagineering shall we? It’s because of this thoughtful design that some queues rival the main attraction in areas such as story, interactivity and atmosphere.

Without further ado, let’s count down the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

Number 5: The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AO1AXYJ94Gw[/youtube]

Here you can check into the glamorous (and strangely vacant) Hollywood Tower Hotel. The ride-experience begins once you enter the lobby of the infamous hotel. Take a look around and explore the mysteries of what happened on the tragic night when lightning struck an elevator full of hotel guests and plummeted thirteen stories deep into [queue theme music] The Twilight Zone.

Why It’s In the Top Five: The queue here is magnificent. There is a grandeur that seems to wither as you pass through increasingly smaller and smaller interior spaces until you end up in the bowels of the hotel. The place looks like everyone left in a hurry, gee I wonder why? Baggage, cocktails and personal affects are placed throughout, as if people fled in such a haste they didn’t have the time to collect their belongings. At the midpoint, there is a chilling (and occasionally unintentionally funny) television presentation in the Library to enlighten you about the horrific events which unfolded here in the past. The final space, a dank and disturbing boiler room that creaks, howls and moans as you wind your way to the final destination, really sets the tone for the ride to follow. Lots of heavy atmosphere and some clever storytelling help this queue land firmly at Number 5.

Why It’s Not Number One: For starters, it relies too heavily on the use of a video presentation to tell its story. A good queue makes any video/film seem holistically part of the story. In this setting it seems jokey and out of place. Even more upsetting is the overflow queue, which snakes outside the lobby of the hotel into a dreary and endless serpentine located conspicuously in the direct sun. On a hot busy day, you’ll beg to be flung into the fifth dimension, simply because it’s air conditioned.

Coming up next: Number 4 on our list of the Top Five Places to Wait in Line at the Disneyland Resort.

The other day, I caught the PBS presentation of The Celluloid Closet on KCET* during their never-ending pledge drive for your cash. LA Metblogger Lulu of the Lotus-Eaters, even wrote a piece about the film recently. If you have never seen the movie, it’s a documentary about how gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people have been portrayed throughout cinematic history. It’s not the best film ever but it’s worth a look if you’ve a couple of hours to spare.

What really got me riled up, and I do mean riled up, was the odd and scattershot censoring the broadcast version of the film chose to employ. The Standards and Practices folks saw fit to remove the swear words and pixelated almost all nudity on display. Ok. Fine. I get it, you don’t want to offend people by saying “fuck” a lot or by showing bared breasts or shots of hot naked lesbians knocking one out. Although really, who doesn’t want to see that? :)

No, what really pissed me off is that only some of the graphic sex and violence was left unedited. For instance, a scene involving two women making love was blurred-out but startlingly, a scene from the 1980 Al Pacino shocker, Cruising, was left unedited for all the world to see. The scene in question features a good looking fellow face-down on the bed with his hands tied behind him while an unknown killer repeatedly (and bloodily) stabs him in the back. Even more offending, is the clip is intercut with pornographic shots of the killer anally raping his victim while he stabs him over and over and over. Ew.

In the context of the unedited film, it’s a gory and disgusting example that leads to a finer point the filmmakers wish to make: which was that in 1980, the only way to show gay men or gay sex was by brutally killing and graphically raping them. However, in the context of the edited broadcast version, it serves to prove a different point altogether: PBS (or KCET*) was guilty of the very thing The Celluloid Closet was rallying against. Apparently it’s not acceptable to see an exposed breast but it is okay to see a gay man being pornographically raped and murdered. What kind of message does that send? The same one it always has: gay people aren’t fit to even be looked at unless they are being murdered. See what happens if you have gay sex? You die!

I was so mad. If you’re gonna edit it, then edit it! Their pansy-ass attempt at ‘protecting’ us failed and only further solidified stereotypes which still linger today. I’m not sure if it was PBS or KCET* who made the decision but it doesn’t really matter, because either way, their attitude and conduct is more shocking than the films will ever be.

* Author’s Note: This post was originally titled “KOCE (or PBS in general) Sucks!” The author (hey that’s me) made a sloppy and egregious error by confusing the real PBS station in question (KCET) with another (KOCE). I don’t have a very good excuse, except that I Tivo’d the film and fast forwarded through all the membership-drive and station breaks. As such, I misread the station’s call letters and failed to take the time to verify I had the information right. It’s an embarrassing mistake to say the least and I offer my sincere apologies to KOCE for the careless way I mistakenly threw them under the bus. I also thank them for their kindness in pointing out the error and I’ll take it as a lesson learned (the hard way).

A clip from The Celluloid Closet is after the jump…

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Orange County Celebrity Profile:

Name: SpongeBob SquarePants

Age: 10 years old

Birthplace: Dana Point

Current Residence: A pineapple under the sea

Occupation: Fry Cook

Hobbies: Jellyfishing and Karate

Relationship Status: Single

So. Bottom line is… he’s a sponge. Who knew SpongeBob was born in OC eh? Cool. I wonder if he will do an interview here on the Metblogs. What a get! We could take him out to lunch at The Crab Cooker in Newport Beach and he can compare and contrast their menu with that of The Krusty Krab.

See this fellow? Looks like a nice guy doesn’t he? He probably is a nice guy too. His name is Aaron Westbrook and he’s a teacher. He was just sentenced to 240 days in jail for banging a couple of his 17-year old female students. Such activities are so not appropriate for an educator to engage in.

The OC Register has his mug shot attached to their story, I suppose as a warning for parents and as a visual aide for those who are curious. Anyway, the point is this: he probably doesn’t look like he does in his booking photo – all scary and scruffy and and unshaven and menacing. In reality he probably looks more like this – a normal nice looking fellow.

What the point of all this you ask? So the streets are ‘safe’ or whatever for the next 8 months or so… unless he gets early release (no inappropriate pun intended). Either way, it’s a lesson that sex-offending-felons look just like you and I, only you know, they’re all pervy and stuff.