Sights and horrors from the Orange Street Fair on Sunday afternoon:

1) Order a $4.50 bratwurst on German Street (aka, on Glassell, near O’Hara’s Bar) and it is served under a pile of urine-yellow sauerkraut that approximates the size of a Geo Metro and sends fellow fair-goers sprinting from your imminent flatulence.

2) In the alley leading to Zito’s Pizza on Glassell (Holand Street?), encounter a balloon animal “artist” and ask him if your kid can have one. “Sure,” he says, tilting his head. “I charge three dollars and a smile.” Three bones for a green balloon chihuahua that’s likely to pop in the next 30 seconds?! No wonder there was no line.

3) On a 90-degree day, after walking for an hour on the scorching blacktop among legions of stinky people, is there a greater oasis than Rod’s Liquor?

4) The Republican and Democratic parties hand out stickers and various other propaganda. Bush/Cheney stickers outnumber Kerry/Edwards stickers 8-to-1. In Orange County? Shocker.

5) Somewhere near the center of the Plaza, over by the Dove Ice Cream stand, it occurs to me that Orange County has not been spared from the rampant epidemic of obesity. We are a plump county.

6) There is a woman wearing tie-dye and eyes that point in opposing directions handing out “literature” in front of the “Ex-Mormons For Jesus” lair on Greek Street (Chapman). I’m afraid she might eat me. I’m certain she is an ex-Mormon because she looks absolutely nothing like Marie Osmond and was therefore banished.

7) Awesome bounce house set-up near Japanese Street (Glassell). Start in a basic jumper, graduate to a ladder and finish with a long, slick, white slide. Do they make those for grown-ups?

8) At what must be a frat house on Glassell and Palmyra, there is a large black silhoutte of a female form hanging next to the front door with two bright red lights where the nipples should be. I miss college so much.